Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
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More 'Toons
“Senator, your wife and children are waiting in the limo. You’re scheduled to give your family values speech at 11:30.”
“Don’t worry, dear—I will never divorce you. This marriage would end only by something truly awful happening to you…something that looks to authorities like a simple tragic accident.”
Bad Dad
The Republican Party and its far-right base are, if anything, predictable. Their strategy basically boils down to one trope: “Accuse the other of that you are guilty.” That this is a quote attributed to Joseph Goebbels should come...
Three horndogs were discussing what they most liked about women. “I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy announced.
The second said, “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” He then asked the third guy, “What about you?”
“I prefer to see the top of her head.”
HUSTLER Wisdom: Of course a man and woman can be friends with no sex involved. It’s called marriage.
Staring at the agent, Trevor exclaimed, “Yup, it surely was!”
Called in for an audit, Trevor was confronted by a surly IRS agent. “It says here that you’re single,” the agent said, “yet you claimed a dependent child. Surely this must be a mistake.”
Staring at the agent, Trevor exclaimed, “Yup, it surely was!”
Question: What does a deaf gynecologist do?
Answer: Read lips.
Connie arrived home flashing a new diamond ring. “Where did you get that?” her husband Mitch asked.
“My boss and I played the lottery,” Connie explained. “We won, so I bought this ring with my share of the winnings.”
A week later she came home wearing a leather coat. “Where did you get that?” her suspicious husband inquired.
“My boss and I played the lottery again,” Connie replied, “and guess what? We won, so I bought this coat with my share of the winnings.”
Three weeks later, Connie returned home in a brand-new Lexus.
“Where did you get that friggin’ car?!” Mitch hollered.
“It may be hard to believe, dear,” Connie cooed. “My boss and I won another big lottery prize, and I bought it with my share of the winnings.”
At bedtime, Connie asked Mitch to run her a nice, warm bath. Once in the bathroom, she noticed that the water was only a few inches deep. “Why didn’t you fill the tub?” Connie murmured.
“Well,” Mitch grunted, “we don’t want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we?”
Question: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
Answer: “We do taste like chicken!”
“I don’t know,” the driver responded. “I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet.”
A cop arrived at the scene of a car accident. He rushed over to the vehicle and asked the driver, “Are you seriously injured?”
“I don’t know,” the driver responded. “I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet.”
Answer: You know for sure that your father is a wanker.
Question: What’s the bad news about being a test-tube baby?
Answer: You know for sure that your father is a wanker.
